Apollymi ::||:: Dark Passion Play

This is me blogging this out when (of course) I should be writing. The problem is that I can't quite manage to turn my writing brain back on.

Thus far, January 2008 hasn't been a good month. I've been down with a 101+° fever. While I was down with said fever, I apparently managed to hit a car while I was so sick I shouldn't have been driving. I have a court appearance in March that I don't even know how to prepare for. My diet is kicking my ass. I can't quite shake the cold, sneezing, and coughing that went with the fever.

And then yesterday, Desolate IMed me to tell me about Heath Ledger. To be completely honest, the first thing I did was check the calendar to make sure it wasn't April 1st. It took a while for the full scope of it to sit in.

Heath Ledger was my first fangirl crush, back in 1997, when Roar first came on TV. I started watching that show for the premise (pagan Ireland fighting against the oppressive Christian Romans), but I stayed with it through its entire one season run for Heath Ledger as Conor. Honestly, I fell in love, both with the actor and the character. I tried to schedule myself off work every day that it aired, but even if I was at home, I recorded every episode. I still have that tape (even though I have now bought the DVDs).

When Roar was canceled after one season, I nearly cried. For the next several years, anything he was in, I watched. 10 Things I Hate About You? Caught it. The Patriot? Yep, that too. I even watched The Order. Almost every movie he did that had an American release, I had.

When we moved to Florida, I had to sell some of my DVDs for quick food or rent cash. Unfortunately some of my Heath DVDs ended up in the stash and never got re-bought (till today). The ones I never sold were my favorites: The Order, 10 Things I Hate About You, and The Brothers Grimm.

Then came Brokeback Mountain. Yes, the gay cowboy movie. Honestly, I didn't even pay attention to the premise of the film. I went for one reason only: Heath Ledger. The wonderful plot was a side bonus. I remember driving home from seeing it at the Miracle Five and the words that came out of my mouth were: "The movie itself lacked, but Heath made me like a character I normally probably would not have." When it came out on DVD, I snatched it up like nobody's business.

This all says nothing to the fact that I saved up from Christmas and my birthday to buy Roar on DVD the day it came out on Amazon. Yes, the day it came out. I didn't even take chances on my local (crappy) video store (such that it is) having it.

So, understand that when I say I was a fan in the truest sense of the word, a "fanatic", I mean it. I just don't mean it in the scary, stalker way. I mean, 11 years on and I still have -- had -- I'm not sure on tenses here -- a fangirl crush on the man.

On my writing blog over on WordPress, I've been blogging about how I've been building a mental cast for The Preterhuman Chronicles and how I was having a hard time casting the two lead characters. That was because I couldn't see Murdock being played any better than he would by Heath, but I didn't see myself being able to get him.

I respected the man greatly as an actor and as a human being. No, he wasn't perfect, but he was very real in a way a lot of actors are not. He had his flaws, his ups and downs, and his bad moments, but he was a genuine person who was nice to his fans -- not to mention a brilliant, loving father to his little girl.

As news comes in, as rumors fly back and forth, I have yet to progress beyond being incredibly numb on the matter. Well, I take that bit back. I did feel very, very angry when I heard that the Westboro Baptist Church (the Phelps family) is planning on picketing his funeral because of Brokeback Mountain. All I can think about that is, I hope the funeral is in Australia, where hopefully they won't be able to follow. Otherwise there will likely be a chain of fans separating the Ledger family from the Phelps. I may or may not be among that number.

I'm also a bit disturbed at reports coming in from the Sydney Morning Herald that his death could have something to do with the prescription sleeping pill Ambien (Stilnox in Australia). The side effects that particular drug produces is enough to make me believe it could be true. My grandmother is also having to take it; under its influence, she has gotten up and had entire hour long phone conversations, made herself a meal, and gotten up to take more Ambien. One person is reported in that article to have gained 23 kilograms while taking Ambien because it made them get up and eat entire meals. It would be terrible if his death is what it takes to make people wise up to the potential side effects of some of these drugs they are advertising on the telly, especially ones like Ambien, rumored to have even weirder side effects on people with upper respiratory diseases (as it is said he was recovering from).

All in all, it's going to take a while for me to shake this. I just feel so sad and yet also so numb. It's like a chapter of my life has closed and the next one is looking pretty dark.

Much love to you, Heath, in whatever wonderful place you are now in. You touched many lives, including my own, and I know I will always shine a bit brighter for it. My heart and best wishes go out to your family and friends.